i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
