I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just cropdusted the office
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Randomize
