I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You are a genius and a whore.
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