apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
