Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
