my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
