I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
