Need sex. Gaining weight.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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