that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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