Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
