if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
