I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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