Even the bartender felt bad for me
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
