don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
where are you?
Hypothermia
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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