kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
