You smell like stripper and shame
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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