i just wanna soil my oats bro
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
