Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
