I am in a vortex of obligation.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize
