12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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