my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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