I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
