I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
