i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
