I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize