No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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