OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I'm really busy with my period
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