A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize