I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
