he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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