If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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