He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize