So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
