The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
