So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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