$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
