he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
