Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
