so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
