Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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