i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize