Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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