Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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