he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
