Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
