good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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