I just made out with a guy for $7.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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