so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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