The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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