dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
