i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
