Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
