living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
