No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
