I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
